Tid-Bits From Ben

I was having a conversation with a couple of TCKs online and the conversation of dating and the differences between countries came up. Then we drifted to relationships in cross cultures and ended up talking about arranged marriages. Well, in America, things are very different. Here is one thought on a series of thoughts I have on dating in America. Please comment!!  (Also please excuse the misspellings…I wrote this in a hurry)

---

---

So, I was thinking the other day…Dating is really complicated and America is not the culture where you always marry the first person you meet.  I mean in Guyana, you marry the first person you meet – maybe the second if you have a good reason not to marry the first.  In Haiti, it is the same way, but you can have seven wives.  So, if you mess up the first time, you still have to keep her but you get seven more chances to get the one you want.  Hmmmm….Don’t know if that system works for me either!!  So, in America it is probably wise to date multiple people, get a good perspective, and make your choice on who you want to pursue seriously for marriage right?  At least you have the freedom to do that in America.

Why you SHOULD date multiple people: Lets say, Hypothetically speaking, you want to get married at some point in your life. Maybe that point is at the age of 25. Maybe it’s 30 or 35. Either way, lets also assume that you “seriously” begin looking for a life-long partner at the age or 21. This means that you have 5 to 15 years to find “the one”. 15 years may sound like a long enough time but also you need to factor in the length of an average relationship and the length of the “recovery period” after breaking up. This means that by dating only one person you could, potentially end up spending 15 years of your life with 3 people and ending up single. This is not your goal. So, it is my suggestion to spend your time wisely.

I think that the number one rule to dating multiple people and not ending up with a major headache and broken out car windows is just to be honest. Tell him or her that you’re not looking for anything serious at this time but you’d like to “hang out” and see what happens.  The key to any life long relationship is a solid friendship.

Here are some steps and thoughts that I have on dating multiple people and finding the one meant for you.

---

1. Be honest. If you’re dating multiple people at once, make that clear to someone who appears to be moving fast or wanting to take things further than you’re presently comfortable with. Just say “I’m not looking to start anything steady with anyone just yet.”

2. Avoid going to your favorite hangouts when you date multiple people. If you’re dating multiple people and you keep going to your favorite spots, you’re bound to see someone else you’re dating, and that will be incredibly awkward (if not lead to an argument).

3. Make sure that the people you are dating know the boundaries. Don’t lie about your feelings for the sake of sex or to protect them.

4. Let a date know as soon as it’s over, and avoid leading them on. If you’re dating multiple people but find that you’re a good match with one, tell the others and let them continue their search gracefully.

5. Keep your family out of it when you’re dating multiple people. Having your friends meet the people you date isn’t bad since you can get their honest opinions and make an informed decision about the future. Just don’t introduce your dates to your family, especially your parents. Under normal circumstances this sends a very powerful (and affirmative) message to your date.
7. End if it’s over.  Did I say this already?  Maybe because I am trying to make a point!! Why lead someone on? If the first date sucked and the second date wasn’t any better, why make them anticipate plans for a third date? Remember that just because you had a ad time doesn’t mean your date did. I have been out with my fair share of ladies who I thought were as dull as a butter knife, but for some reason they couldn’t wait to see me again. The truth may hurt but it’s better to get it over with early.
8. Lastly, Don’t Sleep Over. Dating multiple partners doesn’t mean having multiple sexual relations. If sex is your true interest then there’s other ways to go about finding it, for example, Craigslist, bars, and Backpage If you are really looking for real long-term mates, no matter how tempting, don’t stay the night. Sex complicates things and this is not the direction you should move in.

This may or may not be the best advice, but that is why I posted it on my blog, because I would like to hear from you.  What are your thoughts on dating multiple people?  How do you think that should be handled?  Do you think it is wise to casually date multiple people?

4 Responses to “Dating Multiple People – Good or Bad?”